Sunday, May 17, 2009

I, Vampire

No, I haven't been running around in pancake makeup, decked out all in black attire and biting people on the neck (and sparkling whilst doing so). I've been sick in bed for the last several days. We have some of those window shades that block all incoming light, so when they are closed, the bedroom gets very, very dark. Just as dark as if it was midnight. I have the same type of shades in my office to help facilitate my writing mood. Anyway, I've been keeping to the bedroom for the most part, watching movies and TV shows when not zonked out on medication. I emerge only to check emails and get food. Then it's back to the Stygian darkness of the bedroom.

I have emerged now for two reasons:

1. My story, "Nuts," is now up at 52 Stitches. Please go check it out and let me know what you think.

2. Thanks to everyone who volunteered to beta read Deadliest Cachalot. I got a bunch of insightful comments and suggestions, many of which I will be using for the rewrite. The process made me smile. Elements that one reader may have loved, another thought I should lose and vice versa. It made for a good reminder that all of us have our own tastes and just because the story hasn't sold yet doesn't mean it's total crap.

OK, back to the crypt for me...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Spoke Too Soon

So the day after recovering from my stomach flu/virus thingie, a head cold, complete with stuffed nose, super sore throat and raging cough, settled over me. Well, more like landed on me like a ton of bricks. Today I am off to the doctor. The Other Half is convinced that I have Swine Flu because a coworker who recently returned from a trip to Mexico was quarantined by his doctor before being allowed to come back to work. I don't care what it is, I just want it to go away.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Back In The Land Of The Living

I seemed to be fully recovered from a recent battle with some sort of stomach flu/virus thingie. It won and kicked my ass all over. I've pretty much been going to work and then spending the rest of my time in bed bemoaning my fate. This has thrown a monkey wrench into my writing as well as the 100 Days, 100 Micros thing here on this blog. I'm about five days late at this point and there is no way that I'm gonna try to write five pieces tonight. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either. In fact, I think this forced vacation from the project has made me reevaluate it. From this point on I'm going to lose the "100 Days" bit and just call it "100 Micros," posting them when I'm good and damn ready to post them. Of course, I'll still try to work on them daily, but won't lose any sleep if I miss a day or twelve. This week I hope to get back to my story for the Vermin antho.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

100 Days, 100 Micros Day 6

Micro 006/100
"The New House" - 100 words

Taking a break from unpacking, Sara was feeding the baby when the front door opened, the twins barreling into the house.

“How was the first day in the new school?” she asked.

“The kids told us that our house was haunted!” Sally exclaimed.

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed. “They said that ghosts possess people here and make them do bad things. That’s not true, is it?”

Sara smiled. “Of course not. Don’t let those kids get to you. Those are all just stories.”

The baby’s eyes suddenly glowed red. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” she said in a menacing baritone.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tuesday's Gone

Thanks to everyone who volunteered to read Deadliest Cachalot. Today was a short day at the day job, but a long one at the hospital and then home to do chores (which have been piling up). I'm knackered.

Micro 005/100
"The Customer" - 100 words

The sign read Mojo’s Magical Emporium. I opened the door and entered, finding it empty except for a short man behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“I have a problem,” I said.

“Well, you’ve come to the right place! What might it be? Werewolf? Vampire? Mummy? I carry an assortment of silver bullets, wooden stakes and fresh tanna leaves. What will it be?”

“None of those.”

“Is it a demon?”

“No.”

“Ghouls? Fairies?”

I shook my head.

“Then, just what is your problem?”

“I’m short on cash.” Producing my gun, I shot him before emptying the till.

Monday, May 4, 2009

A Whale Of A Tale

So Deadliest Cachalot came back today, rejected for the second time since being cut from the running for the Dead Bait antho. That's three rejections for this tale in less than two weeks. Ouch! It stings a little, since I am rather partial to this tale and the work that went into writing it...twice no less. I begin to wonder if the story just isn't crap, but then figure it wouldn't have made the Dead Bait shortlist of it was total shit. Still, there may be room for improvement. I think I'm going to let it sit for a bit and reevaluate it later. I'd rather not send it out again at this time because my mind imagines all these fish stories bouncing around out there right now after getting cut from Dead Bait like me.

The other problem I have with the story is its length. At 8,000 words it is more a novelette than short story. Finding a home for it may not be all that easy. However, I can't envision trimming it down, as I had to fight to keep it under 8k in the first place. In fact, I felt the ending got rushed a bit because I needed to wrap things up before I passed the DB word limit. Maybe I will go back and flesh things out some more. Who knows.

Anyway, the reason I've babbled on about this is because I'd like some fresh perspectives on the story and wonder if anyone is interested in being a beta reader. Is one still considered a beta reader if the story had been subbed three times?

Micro 004/100
"Tomb Raiders" - 100 words

Davis pushes the sarcophagus lid aside, revealing the lone occupant. “Read the passage,” he says.

Miles opens the ancient tome and in the lost tongue of kings, recites the resurrection invocation. With a dry snap, the withered mummy climbs from its resting place.

“It worked!” Davis cries, as the mummy lurches forward. “Read the next part.”

Miles consults the book then says, “Go, great prince and retrieve the treasure that rightfully belongs to you.”

“Be ready to follow him,” Davis says.

The mummy suddenly springs forwards, grabs the book from Miles and in the lost tongue of kings, says, “Mine.”

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Email Gods Hate Me

I really, really need to just turn my email program on once a day to check things. As it is now, I keep it open whenever the computer is on (which on a day like today, begins when I wake up at 6:30 AM and ends when I go to sleep). Whenever the chime sounds that denotes a new email, or whenever I return to the office to find something new in the inbox, I get all excited. Could it be a response from a submission? Which one? Possibly an acceptance? A rejection? Eagerly I go to check. So far I've received 17 emails since May 1st.

1 newsletter from Amazon
1 newsletter from Cemetery Dance
5 receipt confirmations from Tweet the meat
1 acceptance/rejection from Micro 100

The other nine? All notifications that someone was now following me on Twitter. Now, that's good and all, but it seemed like every time I turned around and eagerly opened an email, it was from Twitter. Talk about dashed hopes! The truly mystifying part is why my city's local newspaper has decided to follow me. Hmm...

Micro 003/100
"Mistaken Identity" - 100 words

It was only after twelve hours of orbital bombardment, which had vaporized over fifty major cities, that the alien fleet halted its attack on Earth.

We all climbed out of our hiding places and amidst the settling dust, listened as the invaders began broadcasting across the globe on every known frequency. In shock and anger we stared at each other as they apologized for the clerical error that led to their mistaken attack on our world.

To err is Human, someone once said, but to royally fuck up on an interstellar scale is purely Hygorian, or so it would seem.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

What Day Is It Again?

I think today is Saturday. I've been off work for three days and all the running around I've done lately along with irregular sleep schedules has screwed up my internal clock and calender.

I was perusing Duotrope earlier today and looking over the activity for the last seven days. I noticed that a market I had submitted to had sent out several rejections a few days back. I also noticed that the longest any of those replies took was about three weeks. Given the dates of the rejections, I could tell that those stories had been submitted well after mine, many as long as two weeks later. Since mine has been there longer and has not garnered a rejection yet, does that bode well for its chances, or am I grasping at straws? Probably the latter.

Micro 002/100
"Late Night Surprise" - 100 words

Jake was stirred from his peaceful slumber by a car passing by outside, the insistent beat of the stereo raised far beyond polite levels for this hour.

“Thanks for ruining my dream,” he mumbled. Blinking, he gazed at the ceiling, noticing a strange shadow stretched across its white surface. Casting his eyes back and forth, he found nothing to account for its existence.

“What the hell?” He blinked again, realizing he could only see the odd shadow with his right eye.

That’s when the spider sitting over his eye sank its fangs into the moist flesh beneath its eight feet.


Note: except for the final line, today's micro is a true story, happening to me several years ago. I wasn't bitten, but the realization of what was sitting on my eye was rapidly followed by high pitched screaming and self levitation as I bolted from bed.

Friday, May 1, 2009

100 Days, 100 Micros

So, to help kick start as well as maintain those creative juices, I've decided to engage in a new writing exercise. Every day for the next one hundred days, I am going to write a new micro fiction piece of approximately 100 words, and then post it here on the blog. I know that by doing so, they will be considered reprints if I were to attempt subbing them anywhere at a later time, but let's face it, most of them are going to be crap and thus, unworthy of such efforts. I'm sure this little endeavor will eclipse Sturgeon's Law and result in a 99 percentage rate of pure suckage. Still, an idea or two might be gleaned from this project for future expansion. We'll see. Here goes.

Micro 001/100
"Dead-Light District" - 100 words

As the taxi roars away, Sharon realizes it has deposited her five blocks from her destination. She rolls her eyes. Some cabbies refuse to get anywhere near this section of town, especially once darkness falls. She’s lucky tonight’s driver was willing to come this far.

Already her arrival has attracted unwanted attention. A few of the zombies that infest this area come shambling towards her out of the dark. Reaching into her purse, she withdraws the handgun. Making sure it’s loaded, she begins her trek through the dirty streets.

The commute may suck, but at least her rent is cheap.

What You Won't Write

While laying in bed, trying to grab a quick nap a short while ago, my mind was doing its usual thing and running through story ideas. I began thinking about subjects and or themes that I do not ever intend to write about, either within the boundaries of the horror field or speculative fiction overall. Here are two of mine.

1. Violence towards dogs. I love dogs. I enjoy the company of canines over that of most people, even members of my own family. I have always hated it when reading a book or watching a movie, a dog gets killed unnecessarily, either by some wacko killer or by the monster at large. I get that the threat has to be shown and even understand why authors do it, but I'm not fond of it. I have no problem when the death involves some sort of evil dog that represents a threat (like those zombie dogs in the Resident Evil flicks), but I do not ever plan on writing a scene where a dog is murdered. Canine deaths may occur within the story, but they will always happen "off screen." I just don't want to write about a dog (and/or most animals) being killed.

2. Zombies. I love zombie movies. I love zombie novels and stories. However, I don't plan on ever attempting to author one myself. I just feel that I could never hope to bring anything new to what is in my opinion, an already limited subgenre. I did write one short story that was centered around zombies, but those shambling dudes who smell real bad never really showed up in the story. That being said, because I love zombies so much, the idea of writing a zombie story sounds really fun. I do have an idea for a zombie tale and may use that as my first NaNoWriMo project later this year, but I would view it as an exercise only and would never try submitting it.

What topics are taboo at your keyboard?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

April

With an hour and half left in the month, I think it's safe to assume I won't be receiving any rejections or acceptances before midnight rolls around. This month was both good and bad, but mostly just slow. I had two acceptances and four rejections...and two of the latter were for the same story. I sent out several pieces at the end of March, so May and June ought to be loaded with rejections.

The mother-in-law is doing better and I can actually spend some waking hours at home rather than the hospital. Still, I am taking tomorrow off from work. I need another day to rest.

Over the last few weeks I have been trying to think of an idea for a series of flash stories. I'd like to come up with a character or two that I could feature in several short tales, just for an exercise in writing if nothing else. I also wanted these stories to be slightly humorous, or at the very least, retain a light feel to them. My problem is, no ideas sounded good. The adventures of a traveling swordsman? Can you get any more cliche than that? How about a pair of paranormal investigators who have comical encounters of the spectral kind? Snooze. So far the best I can come up with is a pair of con men - one with academic training, the other more skilled at physical things - who find themselves in goofy situations as they try to locate, loot or outright steal priceless artifacts around the world. I'm still mulling it all over. Maybe I'll just a few more stories about Mendrik the dirt goblin.

The Devil's Food TOC

So the full TOC has been out for about two weeks now, I'm just slow in getting around the vast interweb thingie. Anyway, here it is:

The Mattawan Meat Wagon-- Tim Curran
They Drink Us In Our Sleep-- Elizabeth Twist
Monsters In the Basement-- John A. Miller
Grimm and Grimmer-- Mark Onspaugh
The Children-- Dave Dunwoody
Dear Mrs. Andrews: We Regret to Inform You-- JH Hobson
C-C-Cold-- Ken Goldman
Gretel-- Camille Alexa
Micheal Ballantine Remembers His Name-- EL Pallai
The Faceless Ones-- Jameson T. Caine
Starvelings-- S.D. Hintz
Harvest Time-- Lyn McConchie
Blood Dryad-- Bret Jordan
Spider and I-- Aaron Polson
Hunger Pains-- Myrrym Davies
The Golden Boy-- Michelle Howarth
It Had Teeth-- Gregory L. Hall
Hunger in Tsuen Wan-- Natalie L. Sin

Woot!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One Week Later

It's been a whole week since my last blog post in these parts, though I have chimed in on other blogs when time permits. My writing has come to a stand still. I think I've written two or three sentences in the last seven days. The reason? The Other Half's mother had to be rushed to the hospital last week and remains in the ICU after emergency surgery for a perforated colon. She has other problems as well, though the colon was the worst. The end result has been chaos in these parts. Running back and forth to the hospital, struggling to meet work requirements and still get off early and catching quick meals here and there. I am exhausted. Hopefully, things will start to get better now that the worst seems to be behind us.

After the Dead Bait rejection, I fired off Deadliest Cachalot to another market. It took them all of three days to turn it down. They enjoyed it and said it was well written, but it wasn't what they were looking for. sigh. I sent the story off to a third market, but if this one rejects it, I may sit on the story for a while before trying again. Still trying to get this story for the Vermin antho hammered out, but as mentioned, my mind hasn't been able to focus too well.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Bloody Tuesday

Not much new around here. I took the day off from the day job to work on a few things and help The Other Half take her mother to the hospital. I woke to find a rejection from the Dead Bait antho in my inbox. Since at least three other people who were also shortlisted for the book received similar emails, I am now referring to this day as Bloody Tuesday. After feeling bummed for about five minutes, I promptly got on Duotrope and found a new place to submit Deadliest Cachalot.

Returning home from the hospital, I found another rejection in my inbox, this time from Everyday Weirdness for Racing Midnight. The funny thing was, I had just located a market that sounded like a good fit for that particular story, so I sent it off since it was now free again.

The two rejections, coupled with heat in the mid 90's, made it hard to concentrate on writing. I worked a wee bit on my Vermin antho story, Ground Zero as well as a former Micro piece called The Anubis Appropriation that I am enlarging into a flash piece. Didn't get much done on either one, so I retired to the couch and munched Funyuns while finishing up Felicty Dowker's Phantasy Moste Grotesk. A chilling and creepy read, be sure to nab yourself a copy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Bad Guys

I'm going to put a spin on the latest meme thing going around. First Aaron got us started with the list of our favorite stories. Then Danielle spun it into a list of her favorite characters. I'm gonna put my own stamp on it and make a list of my favorite bad guys/monsters/villains I've created.

1. Yidnicatoth - The god worshipped by the titular characters in The Faceless Ones. I had fun when dinner time rolled around. My characters did not.

2. Jackson and Jefferson Sawyer - Twin brothers that share everything, including an unhealthy lust for their next door neighbor. Not much redeeming about the two, I named them after two discarded pseudonym candidates. They appear in Planting Season.

3. Mr. Taunton - The one who maintains The Gallery of Final Repose. He likes to paint people. Dead people, that is. The more ghastly the demise, the better he likes it.

4. The Gimplings - Small, goblin-like things that are horribly mutated from inbreeding. They leave their hidden lair twice a year and invade the nearby town en masse in search of food and are The Horror of Pine Hollow.

5. Blondie - A cold blooded killer that ruthlessly eliminates those in his way. His true name is never revealed. The main character just refers to him as Blondie because of his hair color. From The Transcendental Man.

After thinking all day about the idea provided to me by The Other Half, I got started tonight on my story for the Vermin anthology. I'm trying to not rush things and am taking it slow. At this point I only have 216 words. I hope to work steadily on it this week. We'll see how that goes.

Stopped by my favorite Mexican food place today for lunch and gorged on two of their famous (in these parts) burritos. Tonight I paid the price for all that spicy food. At least all that time in the bathroom gave me a chance to start reading Phantasy Moste Grotesk by Felicity Dowker, which arrived in the mail today. I'm tellin' ya, kids are creepy and she hit all the right buttons on the first two pages.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Let There be Heat

Today it hit 90 degrees Fahrenheit in these parts. After being relatively cool, the temperature was a rather jarring change. The Other Half and I suddenly found ourselves throwing all the windows open in order to cool the house somewhat. Since my office is on the west side of the house, it gets a lot of the afternoon heat and gets warmer than the rest of our place. I might have to actually turn a fan on if this continues. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled at the prospect of the 110 degree weather I know is coming our way.

As for writing, today was one of those days where I couldn't focus on much of anything, so I worked a little on several different projects. I worked on a rewrite of a micro piece, turning it into a flash piece. Then I jotted down ideas for writing exercises. After that I started a new story that will be very short as well, though right now I think it sucks more than a malfunctioning sex doll. I may not even bother subbing it. I've also been trying to come up with a decent idea for the Vermin anthology and had decided to incorporate the existing bits of an unfinished story called Wrong Turn in Dutch Hollow into a new piece. I actually started that before breaking for a shower, at which time The Other Half not only came up with a great idea for a Vermin-themed story, she provided plot points and a great ending. Now maybe I can get her to write it!

Despite being early (not even ten PM yet), I think I will call it a day and go watch some TV.

Shamelessly Stolen

Well, let's try this one more time, since %$#@!*& Blogger erased all my text and auto saved before I could undo it the first time I tried to post this.

Shamelessly stolen from Aaron, who seems to have jump started a meme without realizing it, here is the list of my favorite stories that I have written.

1. Deadliest Cachalot - Currently shortlisted at the Dead Bait antho. This one was written twice because the first draft was lost in the hard drive crash. I like to think I made it better the second time around. I'm rather proud of the fact that I wrote it twice, seeing it as my way of not giving in to the despair of the crash.

2. The Transcendental Man - Currently subbed. Another story rewritten from scratch due to the hard drive crash. This is one of only two stories I have written in first person, but the opening line wouldn't work as well any other way.

3. The Faceless Ones - Accepted for the Devil's Food antho. This story convinced me that I could write a novel someday. I slaved on this one for the better part of a month before deciding to send it off. I plan on revisiting the bad guys in this one someday.

4. Maximus Rising - Accepted for Sand #5. A simple character driven piece about two brothers dealing with a loss. Ed at Sand asked for a rewrite and helped me make it better.

5. The Horror of Pine Hollow - Currently subbed. This one got my own heart racing while writing it, which proves how much fun I had in the creation process. I despise weak female characters and this one was my attempt at featuring a kickass female protagonist.

6. The Gallery of Final Repose - Currently subbed. A ghost story with a (hopefully) horrifying end. I based the characters on myself and three friends as teens, probably why they were so easy to write.

7. Planting Season - Currently subbed. I love monsters, but this is one of the first times I looked at the monster within a Human being. Still threw in a non-Human monster.

8. Pruritus Maximus - Currently subbed. A tale of dark humor. I really worked hard on this one, chopping, writing then chopping some more, all in an effort to get it at the right length yet retain everything I wanted to include. Men will no doubt find this story horrifying.

9. The Madness in Their Eyes - Rejected once, considering a rewrite before subbing again. About interdimensional non corporeal creatures that are serial killers. I like the idea, but the execution may need reworking.

10. A Cause for Celebration. Rejected more than any other story, it currently sits on the computer while I consider retiring it. The basic premise originated in the mid 90's, but the story has seen several revisions over the years. I like it because it is a character driven piece with a more subdued sense of horror. Too subdued for most markets, apparently. Ed at Sand offered some good things to say about it, but still passed.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Woot!

The weekend got off to a good start when the inbox produced an actual acceptance. After a quick rewrite earlier this week, my story, "Maximus Rising" was accepted for issue number 5 of Sand. After I did the happy dance, I celebrated with a coke and (you guessed it) cheese puffs. I had to limit my puff intake, as tonight is dinner out with The Other Half and her parents.

Now, energized by the acceptance, maybe I can get some writing done this weekend. An idea or two has formed in my head and they need to be put to paper...or to screen...or...whatever. Blog ya later!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In Limbo

I have not posted much on this blog since the first of the month because...well, because it's been pretty damn dull around here. I get up, I go to work, I come home and stare at the computer. I've written little, accomplished little and squandered lots of free time. I think April is a lost month. All I've managed to do is watch lots of TV (Primeval, Red Dwarf, Doctor Who, Reaper, Buffy) and a few films. I haven't even kept up with my reading. The inbox has been mocking me each day, refusing to bring any word of my stories out there in submission land. I've been trying to think of an idea for a series of flash pieces, but haven't come up with anything that doesn't sound like utter shit. So I'm off to drink Coke, eat cheese puffs and watch the season premiere of Deadliest Catch. G'night all.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Oh, Scrap

The latest meme has come knocking on my blog's door thanks to a nod from Brenton Tomlinson. Apparently he finds something brilliant about this wasteland I call a blog. I guess my plan to fool everyone into thinking I'm a genius is working after all. HA! I suppose this blog is a brilliant way to waste time, if nothing else.

The Award and Rules:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.

The rules are as follows:

1. When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real.

2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!


Here are my picks for further scrap-ness. Since many of my other choices have already been picked by others, I'm leaving it at two.

Mercedes M. Yardley - She of the exploding bowls and ever-ready sewing machine.

Joshua Reynolds - Writer, monster lover and overseer of Jackapo County.

OK, 10 things about me:

1. I come from a very conservative, fundamental Christian family. In fact, in days long past, I was once an ordained minister. The family and old friends tend to frown on many things I like, and while I don't go out of my way to offend them, I long ago decided to live my life my way. Still, when it came to writing horror, I knew I'd never be able to do it under my own name. So in order to avoid their disapproving self-righteousness (and so that I could write other genres and not get associated solely with one field), I had to find a new name. Thus...

2. ...Jameson T. Caine is a pseudonym. In choosing the name, I knew I wanted a first name that could also be a surname, and I wanted the last name to be a single syllable. I went through many names, finally deciding to settle on a "J" and "C" combo. How did I arrive at this? Well, my handwriting sucks, so I chose letters that were easy for me to write. So if I ever get to sign books someday, I'll be ready. Jackson and Jefferson were discarded before I chose Jameson. It happens to be the name of one of my favorite scotch whiskys.

3. My real name is Timothy, thus the reason for including the "T." My middle name was supposed to be Andrew (it ended up being Allen), so if I ever publish any epic fantasy, I'll do it under the name Tim Andrews. My real name is being reserved for any Science Fiction I may one day manage to sell. My last name is Hispanic, though I am about as white as one can get and not blind people.

4. I love bad movies in the realms of scifi and horror. In fact, I have my own website devoted to bad cinema, where I examine films in excruciating detail. Check it out: Shadow's B-Movie Graveyard. Of course, the site is on hiatus for the time being while I pursue writing fiction.

5. I have a huge DVD collection. This is in part due to my love of bad films, but also because I love anything scifi, fantasy or horror. I have over 2500 titles, ranging from film to TV series to anime. They take up one entire end of the master bedroom, encompassing three walls (and it still isn't enough room).

6. In high school I wanted to be a musician really, really, really bad so I took up playing musical instruments. In various bands I have played guitar, bass and even drums. I sold all my stuff years back, keeping only one guitar. Heavy Metal was always my first musical love.

7. I have a fascination with Japan and Japanese culture (except for boy bands - Japanese, Korean or anything else, sorry Natalie). This came from watching Godzilla films a bout zillion times as a kid and then moving on to J-horror and anime. I've even taken lessons in Japanese in hopes of visiting someday.

8. I prefer British television to most American TV, especially when comedies are concerned. I'd love to visit the U.K. someday and visit the many friends I have there. Like Japan, I have a fondness for many things from across the pond (food, drink, culture).

9. I really do not like children. I hesitate to use words like loathe or hate, but I just don't like most kids. I can get along fine with them. Hell, they all think I'm awesome and people think I'm really good with kids, but the truth is I don't like the many rotten, spoiled little hellions out there, raised by clueless parents.

10. I can pop (or "snap" or "crack" if you prefer) almost every joint in my body. Toes, ankles, knees, pelvis, back, neck, jaw, shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, thumbs - you name it. Combine the loud pops with my double-jointed elbows and you will understand how I can make people believe I just snapped the bones in my arms.